What If Our Subways Are Fully Funded By W E E D ?

By Michael Antonoff

Holding backers of legal marijuana to their pledge that taxing pot will subsidize New York’s cash-starved subways will likely result in the recreational drug industry wanting something in return. I expect it will involve demands for marketing rights to the very subway lines the industry will be saving.

With Governor Cuomo expecting legal weed to ultimately produce tax revenue of $300 million a year, ladling generous portions from that money pot to mass transit could mean new equipment, more trains and lower fares. However, one thing I learned as editor of Paraphernalia Digest, the national trade journal for head shops, is that the counter culture will leave no opportunity on the counter.

The subways are moving billboards seen by a mass audience. If the state can put up roadside signs indicating that upkeep of a highway stretch is paid for by a local car dealership, it’s clear the pot and paraphernalia business will demand rebranding rights to the very subway lines they’re helping to run on time.

Marketing is not a bad thing, since it will soon be obvious to everyone who’s paying the bills. So, it seems high time to get the auction rolling for naming rights. To get things started, here are some suggestions.

7

is the number of leaflets typically comprising each leaf of an Indica plant.

Sativa adds two for a total of nine.

A

is for Acapulco Gold.

As one of the first strains to claim high potency over run-of-the-mill Mexican, the plant’s color and aroma continue to turn cannabis-connoisseur heads decades after being featured in a High Times centerfold.

B

is for Bud.

And we don’t mean a certain brand of beer. B is also for Bong, the free-standing glass, acrylic or ceramic pipe with a bowl where you thumb press the bud (before igniting).

C

is for Cuomo.

As in Andrew, the governor of New York, who, after other states led the way, belatedly came out for legalization. You were thinking C for Cannabis or Colombian? Nay. Too obvious.

D

is for Domestic.

As in locally-grown by small farmers, domestic pot makes American agriculture great again. You were thinking D for Dooby, brother?

E

is for Edibles.

The healthiest part of the industry both in terms of profits and the lungs of consumers could be the baked goods, candies and beverages laced with THC. While “Edibles” is a generic term, it could become associated with a premium brand of, say, Entenmann’s.

F

is for Flavored.

As in flavored papers like licorice, menthol and vanilla ice. Should only be sold to adults.

G

is for Gunk.

You know, the black ooze that collects on the screen and in the tube when you fail to conduct adequate pipe maintenance by regularly applying rubbing alcohol with pipe cleaners. Is there a brand of bottled isopropyl alcohol ready to step up? Swan? Or how about Dill’s Premium Pipe Cleaners?

J

is for Job.

You might be thinking that thousands of these will be created to grow, package, transport, and retail a product while contributing to our tax base. But we’re thinking a certain brand of best-selling paper.

L

is for Lighter.

As in butane ignition. Cleaner than matches, the “L” stands for the piece of paraphernalia you’re most likely to Lose when you Lend it to another midnight toker. The replacement market is huge! Are you listening Bic, or did you have your sights set on the B train?

M

is for Marijuana.

Or Money or Munchies or all three. As in take the M train.

N

is for NORML.

As in the National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws. You were thinking Nepalese temple balls?

Q

is for Quarter.

As in a quarter of an ounce, also known as 7 grams. It’s enough for rolling five to seven joints.

R

is for Roach Clip.

A nearly-consumed joint should not go to waste — or burn your lips. Simply attach a handcrafted piece of jewelry purchased at a small-business head shop to hold your rolled embers in place until the last ash is spent.

S

is for Sinsemilla.

As in the growing technique of letting only female cannabis plants blossom. Without pollen from the male, the female flowers are seedless, sizeable and sticky.

W

is for Weed.

Not to be confused with whites or wine. It could also stand for Wired paper, Water pipe and Wowee (as in the strain known as Maui Wowee).

Z

is for Zig-Zag.

As in the iconic brand of cigarette paper that’s been around for 130 years. Of course, if you’d rather get your ZZZs, no problem. They come after the high.

The competition to grab these subway line trademarks will be fierce. Electronic signs could further enhance the logos within each subway car. We spell to sell. And imagine the merchandising opportunities in which the logo might appear on everything from T-shirts to bongs to MetroCards. This could be bigger than sports marketing!

The city is facing a new frontier for sure, but nothing will be off limits once our underground transportation system becomes fully funded by an industry that itself was once part of the underground economy.