Rules of Conduct for the Senior Whose Graduation Has Been Moved to a Drive-in Movie Theater
By Michael Antonoff
Sure, it’s not the graduation you expected. But stadiums spread disease. That’s why ceremonies have been transferred to the local drive-in, where management has graciously opened its spacious lot to accommodate the pomp and circumstance. Just remember not to wander. And keep in mind these house rules:
1. If you’re coming in a sedan, do not park behind an SUV. Your view will be blocked.
2. Stay in your vehicle. If a friend taps your window, do not roll it down. Do not open your door. Shout “text me” instead.
3. Do wear a mask, though it can be temporarily lowered if you’re alone and sealed in your vehicle.
4. Do bring a supply of snacks. Do not go down to the snack bar to get yourself a treat — even if the nachos can’t be beat.
5. Do not blow your horn or signal members of the opposite sex with your headlights.
6. If the ceremonies are being broadcast on a low-power FM frequency, do not insert a CD.
7. Don’t bother tossing your cap and tassel in the air. The former will only hit you in the head and the latter slap you in the face upon bouncing off your vehicle’s ceiling.
8. Try not to fall asleep — even during the boring parts when the commencement speaker drones on about rosy futures awaiting you as you go forth.
9. Do not treat the backseat as if you’re parked at a semi-private overlook.
10. Make sure your exit strategy includes removing the speaker hanging inside your window and returning it to the stand adjacent to your vehicle before you drive away.
You were expecting to shake hands with professors, administrators and your fellow students? Forget about it. Not this year. Just be happy that your diploma will be mailed to you.
Oh. And make sure to keep a bottle of hand sanitizer in the glove compartment.
